Monday, December 27, 2010
christmas never disappoints me. i love it and i have many expectations for it and i am always bowled over by how they are met and exceeded. i love love love to have family at our house, eating food that is lovingly made for them, opening gifts i made or spent time picking out, laughing and playing with A and thoroughly enjoying being a family
christmas time always leaves me feeling like a lucky gal to have the people i know and love in my life. now that we have A, christmas time is that much more meaningful. i feel my heart glow to watch him enjoy this time with everyone.
i look forward to keeping our traditions and starting new ones as A grows. and not just for christmas but for all special occasions and moments: birthdays and season changes and special holidays....
i feel wrapped up in love today and i feel joyful and hopeful for all the moments to come
now that christmas and all that goes with it is behind us we are beginning to focus on our impending MOVE. i am giddy with excitement to think of the house we are moving into and all the awesome things that will coincide with that. we are moving so much closer to family and friends which is important to us as we raise A. we have a big back yard now so we can spend time outside grilling and sitting around the fire pit with friends and family (something we haven't gotten to do in a LONG time!). we have so. much. more. room for entertaining and we are already planning the first (of many!) get togethers. and then little things like plenty of windows for plants and room in the yard for a hearty garden are making me jump for joy. i am so looking forward to settling into a happy life in our new house.
i feel like 2011 is going to kick off in a wonderful way and will set the stage for a positive shift as we go through the new year. there is so much to look forward to and i am ready for all of it!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
i was angry that i couldn't have things i wanted. i was angry we couldn't go on vacation. i was angry that my husband couldn't afford an engagement ring. i was angry at the world and i was fed up with life. i felt like the life i was living was pointless....i was a slave to the money we didn't have.
when i found out i was pregnant i went from being just angry to being angry and terrified. how were we going to raise a baby when we couldn't support ourselves? i wanted our baby with every fiber of my being and i was afraid we couldn't give him all the things he needed.
but it turns out we don't really need much in life. A has taught me that as humans, we truly do not need much.
we need food and water
being able to provide these things for A has changed my perspective on the things i truly need versus the things i merely want. it wasn't until i became a mother that i realized the sad state our world is in when children and babies fresh from the womb do not have these basic needs met. learning about situations so much worse than the one i was in has brought me to my knees. i count my blessings and i thank my lucky stars every day that we have a roof over our heads, good food to eat, clean water to drink and an awesome amount of love for each other.
realizing that there are alot of people in the world whose basic needs are not met has changed me as a person. i have stopped caring about material things, about vacations i can't take and clothes i can't afford. i have started thinking about how i can help other people get their needs met since mine are taken care of.
it is funny that we had to lose everything to truly see the value of the most basic things. now that i feel grateful for the life i have i am so much happier. now that i can find pleasure in the small things i don't feel like i need designer clothes and fancy cars to be happy. how did i get wrapped up in that to begin with?
there is so much joy in life itself that we don't need the material.
i am grateful i have learned this now and can live the rest of my life finding joy in the living and doing, not the owning and showing.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
i am so blessed
this year is drawing to a close and it has been the most wonderful year of my life. i got to stay home with my son and watch every little smile/movement/milestone. i feel i have grown into a woman this year. A was born in november of 2009 but 2010 was spent turning into the mother i already was. becoming a mother has been the first thing to make me truly feel like a woman. i am in awe of my body, of the way women birth babies into the world, of our natural ability to do so. and i am in awe of the women who mother babies who are born to biological mothers. the women and men who adopt children and the single mothers of the world inspire me daily. mothering feels like the most important thing i have done and will ever do and i applaud these women whose journey's are so much more complicated and dificult than mine.
this year has been the most incredible year of my life. i have learned so much about myself and i have fully enjoyed coming into my own as a mother. i look forward to all the moments to come.
i am grateful as i think about my son, my husband, the life i am lucky to live...
i look forward to many things in the new year: watching A grow and develop, moving, living a more natutal lifestyle, working creatively, gardening, camping....and in the new year i would like to work more to help people who don't have the options i have. i would like to donate more, volunteer, practice good will in small ways. i want my son to grow up with altruism in his bones. there is so much need in the world and helping where i can feels good and it feels deeply important.
i am welcoming 2011 with open arms and a fresh outlook. bring it on!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
i feel myself getting older. i notice wrinkles now and random grey hair. but it isn't these physical changes that make me nervous. i don't want to run out of time. there is so much i dream of doing in this life and i feel like time is my enemy.
i never wanted time to be still. growing up i couldn't wait for time to pass. once i was an adult i felt like each passing year brought me further from my excruciating childhood. i loved the passage of time....it was like a ship sailing away to new land. but now i am here and i relish these moments. i want to bottle them up and keep them this way always.
Monday, December 13, 2010
and then just now i found out about someone i care about and a struggle they were going through that i knew nothing about. my heart broke for her. thankfully it is over now but knowing that she could get through such a tough time made me feel like my struggles are more than manageable.
i need for nothing in my life and my family is healthy and whole. i could not ask for another thing and i am grateful to have the life i have.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Things are on the upswing though and I feel ready to re emerge. I have a hard time expressing negative feelings and a harder time sitting with them. I am a happy free spirit and when things are happening to pull me down I have a hard time accepting them. I am learning though that dark times make the good times brighter.
Life felt stagnant and I felt I was in a place where I didn't belong. I was a fish out of water. But now, life is blooming like a flower sucking in the sun and I feel blissed out and incredible.
My son turned one in november and I was overcome with both joy and sorrow. My baby has turned into a boy. I miss terribly the moments when he was a newborn content in my arms or wrapped in the moby. But i am excited for him as he learns to crawl and walk and explores every aspect of life with one year old vivaciousness. Being his mama is the greatest gift I have ever been given
Life is taking a fabulous turn for our family too. We are moving in January and we couldn't be happier. We have had a hard time here with a very noisy neighbor and a very big lack of space. We are constantly woken up at 2...3...4 am by our neighbor and the lack of sleep was making me crazy. In a fit of sheer frustration I looked online for apartments and found our dream space...
My family will be moving to a home in january. a space we can grow into, a yard big enough for entertaining, gardening, swingsets and sandboxes. we are in a state of utter excitement as our move approaches. This moves feels like it is carrying us to the place we belong in. Much closer to family, friends and work and private enough for thorough night's sleep and backyard get togethers.
I feel like the stars aligned to bring me to the ad for this place. i felt the brush of guardian angel wings on my soul when we were told we were chosen among many applicants for the space. I feel like I am in a place again where I can feel grateful for the life i have. When my husband lost his job i felt hopeless. i was angry, frustrated and ungrateful. I felt trapped where we were living at the mercy of a neighbor and i felt like we couldn't give our son anything he deserved including a full nights rest. that feeling of helplessness was exhausting.
my preception started to change right before thanksgiving. I started thinking about all i have to be utterly grateful for and the list was LONG. and it kept growing. i started thinking about how much we have versus what i feel we don't have. then i started thinking about what we have compared to what other people don't have....a roof over their heads, food in their bellies, medicine when they need it. I have slowed down enough to start being grateful for the fact that i have all these things. i was taking them majorly for granted.
and then the neighbor kicked in and i felt the anxiety coming back. so i turn on the computer and there it was....the perfect home. and its ALL OURS!
i am so relieved so happy so excited....
i am thoroughly blissed out and eternally grateful
i know my guardian angels have been conspiring and i am thankful for it
i am excited about life again!
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
i have noticed that after times of intense anxiety in my life, my other senses become heightened when the anxiety dissipates.
today i caught myself marveling at the colors of a red leaf, enjoying the fall breeze on my skin, stopping eating once i realized i was full, driving home excited to see my husband, to hug and kiss him...
i am reminded that there is always a balance to life. when something goes up something else comes down. there is also purpose to the trials we go through. sometimes it takes me only a moment to see the purpose and sometimes it takes years for the true purpose to materialize.
i am thankful today that my life is full of riches....the love of a husband, the miracle of a son, the families i know and love, the friends i know and love, the world around me....there is always happiness
Sunday, September 12, 2010
i am back to work part time, and my hubby is back to being a stay at home dad. this is not what we want and it just plain sucks but that's what we have to do right now. i am lucky i only have to work part time and i am lucky we had enough time to get on the right track before he was let go again. i know he will get called back eventually. the first time this happend 6 years ago he was out 6 months. then it happened in 2007 and he was out for over two years.
all i can do is learn from our mistakes, try not to make new ones and move along as best i can.
but these times are trying and i feel weaker with every step....
Monday, August 30, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
even just five years ago my life felt like a vast wide open canvas that someone else was going to fill in. i was totally fine with taking days as they came and making a party out of any situation.
now though i think about things like who would take care of A if we weren't around? how will we take care of A if S loses his job again? when its time for me to go back to work will i be happy doing what i was doing or do i need the change? questions like this need answers. there is no more "whatever happens happens" and so the answer to our big question is yes. yes my husband will have a vasectomy, yes A will be our only baby, an only child. my husband put it best when he said he knows we can take care of our family where it is now. if we add more children, we don't know if we can. and a baby doesn't deserve not knowing. a baby deserves to be safe and cared for. a baby does not deserve to be uprooted at 2 months old and crash landed in a new place.
so life, i am taking the reins and i am calling some shots.
its effing scary but i know i need to do it.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
i love you always
the dragon comes
with his sharp teeth
and his biting tongue
i love you always
the monster comes
with those sharp teeth
and that biting tongue
for right now
you are the prince
of a bed of needles
of a torch in the dark
for right now you
are the prince of pain
the prince of cut glass
the prince of rain
and still i say
i love you dear
it will be over soon
the end is near
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
and sometimes there are nights where i wrap my legs around him in the pool, the wine makes my head shine, the sky is a bowl of stars, and life feels livable again
its moments like this that i know life is only as vivid as you want to make it
so give me more of this please.
give me the aftermath of naked swim parties, heavy gold earrings i forget to take off. give me eyes rimmed in the blackest black and her curly hair gel that smells like summer. give me a bottle of any white wine and a shot of vodka. give me louder laughter over chinese cocktails, gold sandals wrapped around my feet. give me the sky in the middle of the night in the middle of the mountains. give me motel rooms and liquor cabinets. when did we become not so young anymore?
i remember you and me living life so vibrantly. twelve years old the day you arrived. all of a sudden 15 taking sexy pictures playing dress up 17 and we're leaving for college 19 and we're making out with everyone 21 you and me tearing it up on the floor in the club 23 and we're so sexy wearing our cute outfits to bars and clubs 25 and i'm married you're in love and we're flying 26 and how'd we get here?
mirror image girls one in silver one in gold. at least i always had your hand to hold. and the conversations we have now.....
yesterday we were twelve years old. i was borrowing your dresses you were sleeping at my house. last night we were 26 years old. now where does the time go?
Monday, August 2, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
francesca lia block wrote it best: "you become what you come from. unless you refuse"
this line resonates with me on a daily basis. i will never become a violent, angry person. acknowledging that the anger exists and finding a better way to deal with it is what will have to set me apart. i don't like anger. i don't like feeling it in my body. but to say i will never get angry is self defeating. it will happen. how it is dealt with when it does is where the difference will come in.
because of my background in behavior analysis i think about ways to prevent along with ways to cope. i think focusing on the positive, taking people at face value, looking at the cup half full, are ways to prevent anger from turning messy. if you are negative all the time, then when anger occurs it is ugly and overwhelming. if you are a positive person, then when anger occurs it is a release and then a recovery and then you move on.
i aim to be a peaceful parent, a peaceful person. i know i will never turn into the people i came from but that fear is there and because of it, i never learned how to deal with feelings of anger appropriately. i do not want to hurt myself in anger ever again and i know i am far away from that. i also do not want to hurt anyone else with anger, via words or physical hurt. i am just learning now that anger is safe to express when expressed appropriately
it has taken me a long time to get comfortable with the fact that i can get angry and not turn into a monster. i do not want to avoid feelings or deal with feelings by hurting myself. i am learning everyday how to be the kind of person i want to be. and so far, i like the person i am.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
there have been alot of icky feelings lately. i feel hurt and angry, disapointed and discouraged. i have been overly critical lately and judgemental. i feel like i am lacking something in my life and instead of seeking it out, i have been angry that it doesn't exist yet. this is not fair to anyone. i know if i want a change it is up to me to make it happen.
so last night my husband and i had a long talk about how we can only change ourselves and no one else. we talked about how we can change our attitudes and focus on the positive as we make some changes in our life. nothing happens overnight but having the right mindset can make the time going by sweeter.
things to keep you happy in the meantime:
pumpkins growing on the vine
baby laughs and giggles
A saying ma ma
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
grateful for :
my baby my husband my dog my sister
the fact that my husband has a job
the fact that i can be home with our son
living so close to the beach
shells and beach glass
quiet crafty moments
my health my husbands health my baby's health
new clothes i got to buy yesterday
a full belly, a roof over our heads
grateful for quieter things too, like the snails on the front porch, the smell of the ocean, the bike path, the swings at the park....
Saturday, June 26, 2010
undulating with the waves
seashell scrapes on my feet
i want to feel this life from another angle
there is a dream of vibrant flowers, naked babies, heat that leaves your bedsheets damp. there is a dream of a lush jungle, the colors of certain birds, lizards you find in your bath tub. cold tile under your feet, banana colored cars on the street, a deck with a view of an ocean, a window overlooking a cliff....
give me a patch of ocean dusted with babies and children running wild. give me the sweet abandon of a life lived exactly how i want it.
this big dream keeps me going when real life comes pouring in. i think one day we will be exactly where we want to be.
Monday, June 21, 2010
seeing my husband play with and love on our baby continually overwhelms me. it overwhelms me with joy, with love, with grief for my own childhood, and with inspiration to be better and better for A
every day i think that i cannot love my husband more and everyday i fall deeper and deeper for him. men are such rare, interesting creatures: at once gentle and aggressively protective. seeing this dichotomy exist in my husband never ceases to amaze and awe me.
thank you, my love, for being our gentle, loving, awesome protector and for nurturing not just our son but me as well. you are loved always
Thursday, June 17, 2010
and i am totally cool with that. there is no yearning for any other life and that is how i know i am right where i belong.
where is this path taking me? there is possibility in the unanswered questions.
today i feel like a child the night before christmas, there is excitement, anticiaption
where is the path leading us?
Thursday, June 10, 2010
today its raining which sadly means we are stuck in the house. its june but the rain is cold and biting, no weather to take a baby out in. so we are here. the bean is laying on a stack of blankets kicking his feet in rythm to the third eye blind concert on tv. normally we don't have the tv on but today, i feel, is an exception.
days like this i wish my husband were home and we were all snuggled in bed. i can romanticize rain and cold in my head but really, i hate it. i need to be outside i need to be running around doing stuff. i need to be at the beach or in the woods on a daily basis and there is none of that today.
so here we are, on the floor, camping out.
at least with rain there will be snails....lots of them :)
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
every year around this time i start making all these big plans for my summer.
plans which inevitably fall through and leave me disappointed. i am a lover of
long life lists, to do lists, goals lists and am two years into my 101 things in
a 1001 days list. i get a thrill at crossing things off these lists. since we
are on the cusp of summer i am making a summer to do list but i am keeping my
goals small. i am reminded that joy lives in the small things and with that
spirit, i am making an attainable to do list
* finish postcard sets
* get some artwork on line
* get shop up and running
* take plenty of photographs
* shop at the farmers market
* get myself, my husband and my son in a photobooth (extra credit if we get the dog in there too)
*take A camping
* ride a ferris wheel
* swim in the ocean
* make prints of my fave photos
* go to a festival
*go to a flea market
* save $3000.00
* find a new hiking trail
* sew something
this seems like a nice start....
Monday, June 7, 2010
A and I met this guy on our walk last week. he was totally cool, just creeping along, let me take a zillion pictures of him and then moved on his way.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
there has been
and toes in the sand
and walks through forrests
and yoga in the kitchen
and piles of books
and whispered conversations
and an overwhelming garden
and recipe ideas
and roadside swans
and lifeless stingrays
and parties and people
and library ladies
and hula hooping
and deep thinking
and soul searching
and a laundry pile up
and a slowmoving turtle
and a rose garden
and there have been snails....
lots of them
Friday, May 28, 2010
when i was younger i used to take people i was dating to the ocean. i used to think that if someone would get in and swim with all their clothes on or in the middle of winter than they were the one for me. no one was ever up to the challenge. i would lay on the rocks and watch the stars, or lay in the sand and talk or make out, one boy even brought his guitar and we spent the afternoon sitting on the rocks with him singing and me listening. so many awesome peaceful moments. but then, i met my husband and after just two months of dating we were away for a weekend and we saw a beach on the way home, pulled over and jumped in with all our clothes on. it was the middle of march. driving home i was secretly giddy knowing he was the absolute one for me.
nature, the natural world surrounding me has always been important to me. i feel very much a part of nature, of the earth and the ocean. being in the forrest with A feels like the most natural thing in the world. i can't wait to take him camping and hiking in the moutains this summer.
looking forward to every moment....
Thursday, May 27, 2010
every day i wake up and every day i go to sleep so grateful for the life i live.
my life was not roses and sunshine growing up and i didn't know what happiness was until i met my boyfriend (now husband) at 21. i didn't know what a healthy relationship was, what a healthy family was and i am still learning this today
but every day i can't help but think about where i came from and where i am now. the life i live is a joy, a blessing. my husband is my best friend, we have an awesome, mellow baby. we have enough family and friends to keep us busy and keep us feeling filled up. i know my son will grow up with plenty of loving, awesome people around him and it makes my heart swell.
i wouldn't change one thing about my life. i am in awe that i even get to live this life. i want to never take my happiness for granted. my story could have been much different than it is and the fact that its not is something i will be forever grateful for
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
just thinking about all the sea turtles and other wildlife dying and suffering in this spill makes me sick. why don't the images on tv and in print scare people into action?
it is time for a huge step away from oil and an investment in wind or solar energy. this will change the way we live our lives but isn't it time for that change?
my husband is an electrician and is hoping to be put on a job in december building a wind farm. it is an offshore windfarm and we would have to move but i am so so so excited. i hope he gets it because to be at the forefront of a change in the way we harness energy would be awesome. he is hoping for it for the same reason. it is time to adjust to a new way of living that will keep us and our planet safe.
but for now we can all do our part. knowing the changes we have made as a family gives me hope that so many other people just like us are doing their part too. hopefully when my son is an adult with his own children oil spills will be a thing they read about in history books.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
to walk right in to dance in the rain to sing loudly and off key to roll the windows down to scream in the library to walk barefoot to not mop the floor to fill a vase with rain to watch the tomatos grow to talk to the snail in the green shell on the front porch to eat whatever i feel like to be pregnant again to light a fire to say a prayer to make a wish to believe in something to have faith to just know how it all turns out
but today i just hum a little tune by modest mouse about how we all float on instead
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
for including me in the sweet blog award!
*give this award to 10 sweet and friendly bloggers,
*make a post about the award including the picture and mention the person who gave it to you,
*put the award on your blog,
*let your nominated 10 know you've awarded them by leaving a comment!
Sunday, May 2, 2010
~took A to the woods on friday. every time the wind blew he looked up and squealed and smiled. it was the most innocent and wonderful thing i have ever seen
~went with A and my sis to the rose garden friday evening. took pictures in all the secret places inside
~went to the beach with A and hubby on saturday. picked up rocks, watched A smoosh his toes in the sand, took lots of pictures
~received the best compliment ever about how it is obvioius to outsiders that my husband and i are best friends and actually "really like each other"
~and am now currently spending some quiet downtime with said hubby
ah...weekends like this i am in love life
Thursday, April 22, 2010
chipped glass, ceramic, decorated tile and hints of boys of girls of oceans of the backseats of cars of rose petals of tears of journals and books and words
of stories of fireworks and ice chips
of pillowcases and willow trees
of independant swings and shell seeking
of deep woods talking of midnight conversations of waterfalls of jumping....
of curly hair and big earrings and naked swim parties of witches and tarot readers and love lines of soft mellow music of harsh stomping music of concerts where you weep and concerts where you scream
of love notes and love letters and the smell of libraries of yellow paper of maple syrup and dusty basements of secret keys and back rooms of ice skates....
the path is paved with words and pictures art and music and fragments of dreams of starry nights and loud waves of photobooths and deep communication
of courdoroy pants and guitars of alcohol and paint
of a burst of bright white light
of beaches and convertables and champagne in the shower of candles on the floor of fire escapes of puppies and chicken pot pies and flowers
of rocky beaches of angry tides of hate and pain and the triumph of love
of visual journals and words in your head of potted plants and bright fish of fireplaces made out of stones
of love and loss of hope and faith of despair and longing of the changing tides
of swelling bellies of the rush of water of the birth of a universe
of baby toes and olive oil
of thick grass and rosebushes
of zuchinni seeds and terracotta pots
of the smell of the ocean
of the brush of wings
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
this time of the year always reawakens my desire to cultivate and grow. each spring we have lived in a different place since we began living together five years ago. the home we are in now has a big backyard and plenty of front and side flower beds to fill. the thought of an overwhelming garden makes me giddy with excitement. there is nothing like the burst of a tomato that's been soaking up the sun right before you bite it. i'm excited to try new things this year and really sink my teeth into gardening.
the idea that we can grow food to sustain ourselves instead of buying it wrapped in plastic from a grocery store is liberating. who wouldn't want to live off the land in this way? i hope to be able to grow food that we all can eat since A will be eating solids by the time fruit and veggies start to grow.
oh where does time go?
Monday, April 19, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
and that is the way it should be. this is how i know that i am right where i belong in life. when things fall into place naturally, when the puzzle comes together on its own i know i am where i belong.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
limiting A's use of plastic is making me look at my own plastic consumption in new ways. the water i drank came out of a bottle, my yogurt cups end up in the trash after three spoonfulls, yes my recycling efforts save plastic from our trash can but where does it eventually end up? and what is all this plastic doing to our bodies before it ends up polluting our planet?
according to Greenpeace International, a mass approximately the sie of texas made out of plastics and other trash is slowly circulating in the North Pacific. this thought alone horrified me and when i googled images of it i was disgusted. also according to greenpeace, 'It has been estimated that over a million sea-birds and one hundred thousand marine mammals and sea turtles are killed each year by ingestion of plastics or entanglement.' why isn't that information enough to change the way we consume?
i remember being about 6 years old walking on the beach with my grandfather. a woman approached us holding a fistful of 6 pack rings. she asked me that if i ever saw a 6 pack ring on the beach or on the ground if i could pick it up and cut it so that no rings were left. she explained that sea turtles mistook them for food and would either eat them and get sick or get stuck in them and die. this knowledge horrified me and to this day i still, out of habit now, cut up any 6 pack ring i come across.
sea turtles have always had a soft spot in my heart and reading about how many of them are dying due to plastic is breaking my heart. what can i do? i know limiting plastic in toys and teethers is important for health reasons for A. but limiting how i buy and consume can have an environmental impact as well as a health impact.
a big part of my journey as a mellow mama is my desire to get back to basics in our life. i want us to eat whole, healthy foods, breathe fresher, cleaner air, and live well. back to basics is a step away from packaged and marketed food. we switched to a tap water filter to stop buying plastic water bottles but i still buy soda. this week i want to stop drinking soda. its bad for me, its not anything wholesome or healthy, and when its gone the plastic bottle it came in is disposable. this week i vow for my health and the planet's health to drink only my filtered water.
going back to basics will beneift my health, my son's health, my husband's health, the planet's health and maybe a sea turtle will be spared because we are limiting our contribution to the plastic problem.
Monday, April 12, 2010
becoming responsible for another life was life altering. i was so in love with the tiny creature that was my son i couldn't even think of something other than him. the purest love i have ever felt i felt for my son.
the birth of A has been the inspiration to lead a more mellow life. to get back to basics. to tread lighter on the planet so its here for him in the future. A is my inspiration to "go green" because what's good for him is also good for the planet. now that i see a connection between people's health and the planet's health it is easier to make better choices. i don't want chemicals on or in my baby and i don't want them on or in our planet. i want there to be a natural, organic world for A to inhabit as he grows up. birthing a child has been the wake up call that i and my husband needed to truly understand the need for a greener, mellower way of life.
mothering the planet mothers my son and mothering my son mothers the planet. the two are linked for life and this mellow mama is ready for the challenge