i am striving to be more peaceful with myself, and with others. i come from a long line of angry people who let their anger turn into violence. i don't want that sad story for myself. growing up i didn't want to be that kind of person and i turned alot of anger against myself. it wasn't until i was older that i learned it is ok to let anger out when it is deserved, that i didn't need to hurt myself to spare someone else. in the last few years life took some unexpected turns. my husband and i have recently come out of a very dark time. during this time, anger got the best of me. anger turned me into a person i didn't recognize....and then i did recognize her. i started to see flashes of angry people i never wanted to become. and in recognizing this i am striving for a change.

francesca lia block wrote it best: "you become what you come from. unless you refuse"

this line resonates with me on a daily basis. i will never become a violent, angry person. acknowledging that the anger exists and finding a better way to deal with it is what will have to set me apart. i don't like anger. i don't like feeling it in my body. but to say i will never get angry is self defeating. it will happen. how it is dealt with when it does is where the difference will come in.

because of my background in behavior analysis i think about ways to prevent along with ways to cope. i think focusing on the positive, taking people at face value, looking at the cup half full, are ways to prevent anger from turning messy. if you are negative all the time, then when anger occurs it is ugly and overwhelming. if you are a positive person, then when anger occurs it is a release and then a recovery and then you move on.

i aim to be a peaceful parent, a peaceful person. i know i will never turn into the people i came from but that fear is there and because of it, i never learned how to deal with feelings of anger appropriately. i do not want to hurt myself in anger ever again and i know i am far away from that. i also do not want to hurt anyone else with anger, via words or physical hurt. i am just learning now that anger is safe to express when expressed appropriately

it has taken me a long time to get comfortable with the fact that i can get angry and not turn into a monster. i do not want to avoid feelings or deal with feelings by hurting myself. i am learning everyday how to be the kind of person i want to be. and so far, i like the person i am.

HAPPINESS IS:

* these baby feet

* invites to family get togethers

* free music classes

* road trip planning

* girls only camping trip in two weeks

* compliments from strangers

* conquering a fear

* my overwhelming garden

As A recovers from his surgery he spends most of the day asleep. this has freed up some time for me to be a little introspective. there are many quiet moments throughout the day now for me to wander in my thoughts.
there have been alot of icky feelings lately. i feel hurt and angry, disapointed and discouraged. i have been overly critical lately and judgemental. i feel like i am lacking something in my life and instead of seeking it out, i have been angry that it doesn't exist yet. this is not fair to anyone. i know if i want a change it is up to me to make it happen.
so last night my husband and i had a long talk about how we can only change ourselves and no one else. we talked about how we can change our attitudes and focus on the positive as we make some changes in our life. nothing happens overnight but having the right mindset can make the time going by sweeter.

things to keep you happy in the meantime:

pumpkins growing on the vine

painted toes

baby laughs and giggles

A saying ma ma

husband hugs

been busy having some adventures the last few days. friday A and i took a trip to visit one of my friends and her baby. when i found out i was pregnant she was the first person i told at work. we were in a seperate student break room at the special needs school we worked at and i whispered to her..."don't tell anyone yet but im pregnant" and she whispered "oh my god me too"

such an awesome moment i will never forget. it was so awesome to go through pregnancy together. we were allies throughout the whole process and i know we are bound for life because of it.

so friday we treked out to see her and it was so awesome. we went with her and her babe to a natural parenting group. we walked in and i fell in love. gorgeous green walls covered in quotes about the strength of women, natural wood toys and baby carriers everywhere, a section just for cloth diapers, a pool, lots of lounge rooms and a big room where the group was held. i wanted to snuggle in and never leave. i was so bummed when it was time to go. while there, one of the women who worked there told me about a similar establishment in the next town over from where we live! wahoo! they are closed for the holiday but i cannot wait to check them out later in the week.

i feel so lucky to know my friend. not only were we pregnant together and were each other's support at work but we both attachment parent and are interested in natural parenting. i am so so lucky to have her as my friend. i hope our boys are great friends as they grow up.

another adventure was some ocean time with A. we took an impromptu stop at the beach yesterday and plopped him down in his clothes. i put him down right on top of a shell. my husband says "pick him up you put him on a shell!" and as i look down, the shell crawled away! haha. A was sitting on top of a hermit crab. hermit crabs were crawling all around but he didn't even notice. he was LOVING the water. watching A enjoy the water, the pool, and the ocean just warms my heart. i feel like i belong in water and it is awesome to see A so joyful over it.

looking forward to adventures at the cottage tomorrow. A will be spending alot of time in the water (as will we) and i can't wait

happy fourth!