very merry

aahhh...the aftermath of a very merry christmas....boxes of goodies all over the house, tons of yummy leftovers in the fridge, the warm feeling of being engulfed by family for three days straight...
christmas never disappoints me. i love it and i have many expectations for it and i am always bowled over by how they are met and exceeded. i love love love to have family at our house, eating food that is lovingly made for them, opening gifts i made or spent time picking out, laughing and playing with A and thoroughly enjoying being a family
christmas time always leaves me feeling like a lucky gal to have the people i know and love in my life. now that we have A, christmas time is that much more meaningful. i feel my heart glow to watch him enjoy this time with everyone.
i look forward to keeping our traditions and starting new ones as A grows. and not just for christmas but for all special occasions and moments: birthdays and season changes and special holidays....
i feel wrapped up in love today and i feel joyful and hopeful for all the moments to come

now that christmas and all that goes with it is behind us we are beginning to focus on our impending MOVE. i am giddy with excitement to think of the house we are moving into and all the awesome things that will coincide with that. we are moving so much closer to family and friends which is important to us as we raise A. we have a big back yard now so we can spend time outside grilling and sitting around the fire pit with friends and family (something we haven't gotten to do in a LONG time!). we have so. much. more. room for entertaining and we are already planning the first (of many!) get togethers. and then little things like plenty of windows for plants and room in the yard for a hearty garden are making me jump for joy. i am so looking forward to settling into a happy life in our new house.

i feel like 2011 is going to kick off in a wonderful way and will set the stage for a positive shift as we go through the new year. there is so much to look forward to and i am ready for all of it!

material

the last few years have been difficult for us financially. this has brought both shadows and light. struggling financially was humiliating and humbling. having to lean on people, both family and friends, was humbling. i felt like i had lost so much.
i was angry that i couldn't have things i wanted. i was angry we couldn't go on vacation. i was angry that my husband couldn't afford an engagement ring. i was angry at the world and i was fed up with life. i felt like the life i was living was pointless....i was a slave to the money we didn't have.
when i found out i was pregnant i went from being just angry to being angry and terrified. how were we going to raise a baby when we couldn't support ourselves? i wanted our baby with every fiber of my being and i was afraid we couldn't give him all the things he needed.
but it turns out we don't really need much in life. A has taught me that as humans, we truly do not need much.
we need food and water
and shelter
and love
being able to provide these things for A has changed my perspective on the things i truly need versus the things i merely want. it wasn't until i became a mother that i realized the sad state our world is in when children and babies fresh from the womb do not have these basic needs met. learning about situations so much worse than the one i was in has brought me to my knees. i count my blessings and i thank my lucky stars every day that we have a roof over our heads, good food to eat, clean water to drink and an awesome amount of love for each other.
realizing that there are alot of people in the world whose basic needs are not met has changed me as a person. i have stopped caring about material things, about vacations i can't take and clothes i can't afford. i have started thinking about how i can help other people get their needs met since mine are taken care of.
it is funny that we had to lose everything to truly see the value of the most basic things. now that i feel grateful for the life i have i am so much happier. now that i can find pleasure in the small things i don't feel like i need designer clothes and fancy cars to be happy. how did i get wrapped up in that to begin with?
there is so much joy in life itself that we don't need the material.
i am grateful i have learned this now and can live the rest of my life finding joy in the living and doing, not the owning and showing.

As the holidays approach i am reminded of all the things i am grateful for and lucky to have in this life. i think about my family, about the family my son was born into, i think about the food on my table, and my husband who cooks it every day. i think about the roof over my head and the new roof soon to come, the bed i sleep in, the car i drive, the wonderful way i earn money for my family.....
i am so blessed
this year is drawing to a close and it has been the most wonderful year of my life. i got to stay home with my son and watch every little smile/movement/milestone. i feel i have grown into a woman this year. A was born in november of 2009 but 2010 was spent turning into the mother i already was. becoming a mother has been the first thing to make me truly feel like a woman. i am in awe of my body, of the way women birth babies into the world, of our natural ability to do so. and i am in awe of the women who mother babies who are born to biological mothers. the women and men who adopt children and the single mothers of the world inspire me daily. mothering feels like the most important thing i have done and will ever do and i applaud these women whose journey's are so much more complicated and dificult than mine.
this year has been the most incredible year of my life. i have learned so much about myself and i have fully enjoyed coming into my own as a mother. i look forward to all the moments to come.
i am grateful as i think about my son, my husband, the life i am lucky to live...
i look forward to many things in the new year: watching A grow and develop, moving, living a more natutal lifestyle, working creatively, gardening, camping....and in the new year i would like to work more to help people who don't have the options i have. i would like to donate more, volunteer, practice good will in small ways. i want my son to grow up with altruism in his bones. there is so much need in the world and helping where i can feels good and it feels deeply important.
i am welcoming 2011 with open arms and a fresh outlook. bring it on!

growing

i sometimes feel like my life is passing before my eyes. i get anxious that time is running out, that i will never do all the things i dream of. i watch time vanish and my baby turn into a toddler, it feels like time has sped up since i was younger
i feel myself getting older. i notice wrinkles now and random grey hair. but it isn't these physical changes that make me nervous. i don't want to run out of time. there is so much i dream of doing in this life and i feel like time is my enemy.
i never wanted time to be still. growing up i couldn't wait for time to pass. once i was an adult i felt like each passing year brought me further from my excruciating childhood. i loved the passage of time....it was like a ship sailing away to new land. but now i am here and i relish these moments. i want to bottle them up and keep them this way always.

gratitude

sometimes it is so easy to get caught up in your own struggle so much that you can't even fathom other people are struggling more than you. the realization that some people have it much worse than me is what brought perspective to my situation. reaching out and helping out in a small way has taught me that even when we feel we have nothing we can still give or do something. i was surprised to see just how much good a small motion could make. i have been feeling so much better, so much more balanced lately.
and then just now i found out about someone i care about and a struggle they were going through that i knew nothing about. my heart broke for her. thankfully it is over now but knowing that she could get through such a tough time made me feel like my struggles are more than manageable.
i need for nothing in my life and my family is healthy and whole. i could not ask for another thing and i am grateful to have the life i have.

beginning

I have been quiet here for some time now. Life got tough and I had a hard time keeping my head above water.
Things are on the upswing though and I feel ready to re emerge. I have a hard time expressing negative feelings and a harder time sitting with them. I am a happy free spirit and when things are happening to pull me down I have a hard time accepting them. I am learning though that dark times make the good times brighter.
Life felt stagnant and I felt I was in a place where I didn't belong. I was a fish out of water. But now, life is blooming like a flower sucking in the sun and I feel blissed out and incredible.
My son turned one in november and I was overcome with both joy and sorrow. My baby has turned into a boy. I miss terribly the moments when he was a newborn content in my arms or wrapped in the moby. But i am excited for him as he learns to crawl and walk and explores every aspect of life with one year old vivaciousness. Being his mama is the greatest gift I have ever been given
Life is taking a fabulous turn for our family too. We are moving in January and we couldn't be happier. We have had a hard time here with a very noisy neighbor and a very big lack of space. We are constantly woken up at 2...3...4 am by our neighbor and the lack of sleep was making me crazy. In a fit of sheer frustration I looked online for apartments and found our dream space...
My family will be moving to a home in january. a space we can grow into, a yard big enough for entertaining, gardening, swingsets and sandboxes. we are in a state of utter excitement as our move approaches. This moves feels like it is carrying us to the place we belong in. Much closer to family, friends and work and private enough for thorough night's sleep and backyard get togethers.
I feel like the stars aligned to bring me to the ad for this place. i felt the brush of guardian angel wings on my soul when we were told we were chosen among many applicants for the space. I feel like I am in a place again where I can feel grateful for the life i have. When my husband lost his job i felt hopeless. i was angry, frustrated and ungrateful. I felt trapped where we were living at the mercy of a neighbor and i felt like we couldn't give our son anything he deserved including a full nights rest. that feeling of helplessness was exhausting.
my preception started to change right before thanksgiving. I started thinking about all i have to be utterly grateful for and the list was LONG. and it kept growing. i started thinking about how much we have versus what i feel we don't have. then i started thinking about what we have compared to what other people don't have....a roof over their heads, food in their bellies, medicine when they need it. I have slowed down enough to start being grateful for the fact that i have all these things. i was taking them majorly for granted.
and then the neighbor kicked in and i felt the anxiety coming back. so i turn on the computer and there it was....the perfect home. and its ALL OURS!
i am so relieved so happy so excited....
i am thoroughly blissed out and eternally grateful
i know my guardian angels have been conspiring and i am thankful for it
i am excited about life again!