there has been:

warmer air
and sleeping in tents
and swimming in rivers
and moonlight
there has been chairs on the deck
and bare feet in wading pools
there has been
reconnection
and there has been letting go
there has been shock and awe
an overwhelming look at life
there has been
no money honey
beggning and borrowing
and this close to stealing
there has been gratitude still
and reverence
and love
over all
and most importantly
there has been love

give me

give me
guitars on shell streaked beaches
candles burning past midnight
give me an honest fortune
and drunk stumbling down cobblestone streets
give me poems again
painted words dripping on your tongue
give me the crash of a wave
the rise of the sun
give me moonlit swimming
and gentle waves
give me salty hair and chinese food in our swimsuits
give me footprints
big and little
give me braided bracelets and shell necklaces
give me the poetry of a life lived like this

poem

she had forgotten

about music

about sound flooding her veins

about art

and the overwhelm

about paint on canvas and naked arms

about poetry

and how could she have forgotten about poetry?

she was quietly waiting

for the invitation

back to herself

she

she she closes her eyes the smell of flowers pink and pastel and they should be for easter she she closes her eyes and that giggle fills her ears and it should never stop she crosses her fingers she waters the plants and she breathes in quick when she comes she dances on eggshells she opens the door slow she covers it up so you'll never know she closes her eyes and the show starts up again the circus lives in her town she arches her back and catches the trapeze and the fall overwhelms her again she lands at your ocean she swims in too deep and you'll never see her again

there has been...

There has been
an inspiring breeze
and warm sun spots
driving with the sun roof open
a day that is longer than the last
there has been stuffy noses and croupy coughs
and plenty of time sprawled out in bed
there has been an icy forest walk
and some hula hooping
there has been margaritas
and vegetarian eating
there has been talk of the ocean,
of dates to dip our toes in
there has been talk of
camping trips
and girl getaways
and romantic weekends
there have been
plans....
there have been giant pots
and garden gnomes
and lists
and books
and blogs
there has been....
a renewal...
there has been scrapbooking
and day dreaming
and wine drinking
and deep communicating
there has been an aching lonliness as well
there has been talk of more babies
and big dreams
there has been....
a life worth living

Happy Life

We took A today to the rehabilitation center his great grandmother is currently staying in. As we were walking the halls to her room every person who passed us had to stop and talk to him. He was a gem for everybody, dishing out smiles and waves and even a few blown kisses. I know there has to be some meaning for the elderly living in these places when they see a baby. It has to give the end of your life purpose; to let the next generation have their turn on earth. I could feel the emotions of some of these people. A was giving them the simplest of joys and it was so moving.
One woman in particular brought tears to my eyes. As we began to walk away after A had said hi she wished us all well and looked at A and said "Happy Life"
It was the closest thing to a blessing I have ever felt in my life. I felt like at that moment, this woman was thankful for the happy life she herself had lived so far and was genuinely happy to pass the torch. In my mind a fast-forwarded montage played of A growing up and going to school, getting married, having a baby.....
Life goes by so, so fast. I know now to count my blessings and be grateful for the small things. And may we all have a Happy Life

peace

being a peaceful person and parent is so important to me. i notice that the more i invite gratitude into my life the less often anger and frustration show up. sometimes i need a reminder to do this. reminders come in small packages....when A blows me a kiss or i happen to catch a sunbeam pouring in the window. moments like these make me slow down and breathe.
this is week three back to work and it is a wee tiny bit easier than the first days. moments i catch myself feeling angry or frustrated i remind myself that i am lucky i only have to work part time and that i am lucky i like what i do. there has been such a strive for balance these past few weeks but i am at a place now where i am going to just step back and let the balance come.
i believe in balance in all aspects of life but i know balance does not mean 50/50 at all times. i learned this for the first time in my relationship with my husband. balance means we both work to keep the flow steady, not just that we put in our "half". sometimes one has to give more while the other has to give less and yet this is still balance. this is the attitude i am taking in regards to work right now.
i know life balances itself organically anyway. the more we can go with the flow the more happy we can be

balance

back to work this week...real work....and the balance is eluding me. i left in tears today. i was always passionate about the work i do before i became a mother. i do therapy based on applied behavioral analysis with children on the autism spectrum. i left to stay home with A and now that my husband has been out of work so long i am back in the world of autism. and it was so hard this week.
it was hard to leave A when i want to be with him, hard to be with a sick baby who is the same age as A, hard to not let the anger i have about having to work overtake me. where is the balance?
i love what i do as work but there is a strong urge to simply be a mother. the feeling that everyday i am missing time with A is heartbreaking. will i ever get used to this feeling?

pause

An overwhelming snow storm has rolled into town and has forced the three of us to stay put all. day. today.
there were big plans to move a bunch of stuff to our new home but the blizzard outside has shut down our whole operation. i was annoyed at first but now i am looking at this as an invitation to take a break, take a breather, pause the madness
we have been going nonstop these final days before the move and i have been overwhelmed, easily angered, and stressed out. this is not how i want to arrive at our new place!
so i am taking this opportunity to take a breath and think about all the goodness that awaits us at our new home.
i want to also put all the resolutions and ideas in my head onto my blog to help hold me accountable to them. we are using this move as a catalyst for some big changes we are making in the coming year and i need to organize my thoughts.

RESOLUTIONS:

Stick to the budget and save a minimum of $100 a week
Join the CSA
Hike a minimum of once a week
Swim a minimum of once a week in summer
Workout more...be able to run a mile without walking
Expand A's diet (ideas?)
Cook one new recipe a week
Take one yoga class a week
Plan a weekend in newport/portland/loon with hubby
Plan a north conway girls trip/camping trip
Map out a garden



PLANS!!!!
Continue ebay business...work up to $500/month
Get an etsy site up and running
Set aside time each week for projects/planning
Purchase a scanner/printer/photocopier
Begin required reading for becoming a doula


I truly feel like this year is the year of possibilities. I have so many ideas in my head that I believe in and I am excited to see some things come to fruition this year. Once we are fully moved into our house I plan on getting right to work to grow my existing business and to begin a new creative one. I am so excited to begin channeling my creativity into a way to support my family. I am so blessed that I have the time to do this. My husband being out of work again frees up so much time for the two of us to devote to the business idea we have. I am really excited about this and it has allowed me to see his unemployment in a whole new way. We both have had these ideas for so long and I feel like this is the universe telling us we need to explore them.

I am so ready to move in, set up and get to work! This weekend can't get here fast enough!

Love this

Sometimes the best choice for me and my family is a choice that most people think is the wrong one. This has been a struggle over the years as we make decisions that are easily judged by our family, friends and outsiders. I am finally at a point where I don't take other people's opinions to heart. I am finally trusting myself and that feels good.
I live my life to be with my family. I love my son and my husband and I enjoy the time we have together. Right now this means that we live on less income in order to have that family time. The last few years have been a study on living on less, loving what we have and appreciating the small things. This has brought us to a place where we value each other and want to spend our time together.
I love this life and I wouldn't change it.