oh sweet you bring me to my knees with your soft honest words and your outwright bravery

more deep talking about what we want for our future. this is the first time in my life that i view the future as something that will transpire and not something farfetched and out of reach. now that i am getting older and now that i am a mother i view time in a whole new way. i feel like i can more accurately plan the next decade vs just waiting and seeing and living life. now that we have a child life is not something we just wait and see about. this is all becoming very clear.
even just five years ago my life felt like a vast wide open canvas that someone else was going to fill in. i was totally fine with taking days as they came and making a party out of any situation.
now though i think about things like who would take care of A if we weren't around? how will we take care of A if S loses his job again? when its time for me to go back to work will i be happy doing what i was doing or do i need the change? questions like this need answers. there is no more "whatever happens happens" and so the answer to our big question is yes. yes my husband will have a vasectomy, yes A will be our only baby, an only child. my husband put it best when he said he knows we can take care of our family where it is now. if we add more children, we don't know if we can. and a baby doesn't deserve not knowing. a baby deserves to be safe and cared for. a baby does not deserve to be uprooted at 2 months old and crash landed in a new place.
so life, i am taking the reins and i am calling some shots.
its effing scary but i know i need to do it.

teething is a theif of our nights

my dear,
i love you always
always now
and forever
even when
the dragon comes
with his sharp teeth
and his biting tongue
my dear
i love you always
always now
always forever
even when
the monster comes
with those sharp teeth
and that biting tongue

for right now
you are the prince
of sharks
of a bed of needles
of a torch in the dark
for right now you
are the prince of pain
the prince of cut glass
the prince of rain

and still i say
i love you dear
it will be over soon
the end is near

ode to the best kind of friend

sometimes there are nights like last night where every little thing is excruciatingly annoying, where the baby won't go to sleep, where the neighbors are stomping a drum beat out overhead
and sometimes there are nights where i wrap my legs around him in the pool, the wine makes my head shine, the sky is a bowl of stars, and life feels livable again
its moments like this that i know life is only as vivid as you want to make it

so give me more of this please.
give me the aftermath of naked swim parties, heavy gold earrings i forget to take off. give me eyes rimmed in the blackest black and her curly hair gel that smells like summer. give me a bottle of any white wine and a shot of vodka. give me louder laughter over chinese cocktails, gold sandals wrapped around my feet. give me the sky in the middle of the night in the middle of the mountains. give me motel rooms and liquor cabinets. when did we become not so young anymore?

i remember you and me living life so vibrantly. twelve years old the day you arrived. all of a sudden 15 taking sexy pictures playing dress up 17 and we're leaving for college 19 and we're making out with everyone 21 you and me tearing it up on the floor in the club 23 and we're so sexy wearing our cute outfits to bars and clubs 25 and i'm married you're in love and we're flying 26 and how'd we get here?

mirror image girls one in silver one in gold. at least i always had your hand to hold. and the conversations we have now.....

yesterday we were twelve years old. i was borrowing your dresses you were sleeping at my house. last night we were 26 years old. now where does the time go?

girls weekend

this past weekend was spent with my two oldest girlfriends on a suppossed -to -be camping trip. we ended up not finding a spot friday night and staying in a motel. we woke up in the gorgeous white mountains and spent the day shopping, drinking wine, taking pictures, looking at art, driving through the mountains, swimming in rivers, checking out waterfalls, walking through forests....

it was magic

saturday we found a spot and got to camp (hooray!). the bear alert was a little nervewracking but we had such an awesome night snuggled around the campfire.

the magic of the mountains gets me every time. i am truly excited to get to go again at the end of august with my husband and our son.

the excitement is bubbling inside me!