Friday, August 27, 2010

more deep talking about what we want for our future. this is the first time in my life that i view the future as something that will transpire and not something farfetched and out of reach. now that i am getting older and now that i am a mother i view time in a whole new way. i feel like i can more accurately plan the next decade vs just waiting and seeing and living life. now that we have a child life is not something we just wait and see about. this is all becoming very clear.
even just five years ago my life felt like a vast wide open canvas that someone else was going to fill in. i was totally fine with taking days as they came and making a party out of any situation.
now though i think about things like who would take care of A if we weren't around? how will we take care of A if S loses his job again? when its time for me to go back to work will i be happy doing what i was doing or do i need the change? questions like this need answers. there is no more "whatever happens happens" and so the answer to our big question is yes. yes my husband will have a vasectomy, yes A will be our only baby, an only child. my husband put it best when he said he knows we can take care of our family where it is now. if we add more children, we don't know if we can. and a baby doesn't deserve not knowing. a baby deserves to be safe and cared for. a baby does not deserve to be uprooted at 2 months old and crash landed in a new place.
so life, i am taking the reins and i am calling some shots.
its effing scary but i know i need to do it.

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