This Mellow Mama

i am striving to be more peaceful with myself, and with others. i come from a long line of angry people who let their anger turn into violence. i don't want that sad story for myself. growing up i didn't want to be that kind of person and i turned alot of anger against myself. it wasn't until i was older that i learned it is ok to let anger out when it is deserved, that i didn't need to hurt myself to spare someone else. in the last few years life took some unexpected turns. my husband and i have recently come out of a very dark time. during this time, anger got the best of me. anger turned me into a person i didn't recognize....and then i did recognize her. i started to see flashes of angry people i never wanted to become. and in recognizing this i am striving for a change.

francesca lia block wrote it best: "you become what you come from. unless you refuse"

this line resonates with me on a daily basis. i will never become a violent, angry person. acknowledging that the anger exists and finding a better way to deal with it is what will have to set me apart. i don't like anger. i don't like feeling it in my body. but to say i will never get angry is self defeating. it will happen. how it is dealt with when it does is where the difference will come in.

because of my background in behavior analysis i think about ways to prevent along with ways to cope. i think focusing on the positive, taking people at face value, looking at the cup half full, are ways to prevent anger from turning messy. if you are negative all the time, then when anger occurs it is ugly and overwhelming. if you are a positive person, then when anger occurs it is a release and then a recovery and then you move on.

i aim to be a peaceful parent, a peaceful person. i know i will never turn into the people i came from but that fear is there and because of it, i never learned how to deal with feelings of anger appropriately. i do not want to hurt myself in anger ever again and i know i am far away from that. i also do not want to hurt anyone else with anger, via words or physical hurt. i am just learning now that anger is safe to express when expressed appropriately

it has taken me a long time to get comfortable with the fact that i can get angry and not turn into a monster. i do not want to avoid feelings or deal with feelings by hurting myself. i am learning everyday how to be the kind of person i want to be. and so far, i like the person i am.