list

been in a bit of a list mode lately. thinking about all the things i want to experience/explore/examine in my lifetime. when i feel like life hasn't been living up to my standards a list always gets my head back in the game

and so here it is

a list of things to do:

be pregnant again

give birth naturally

pick a career and run with it

stand behind my work

attempt surfing

stay in jamaica at the caves

cliff dive in said caves

be able to do a handstand without bracing

learn a back walkover

lose the weight i have left to lose

sleep in a redwood forrest

sleep in a tree house

stay at the jacuzzi suites

go rockclimbing

find a place we love enough to buy property in

get my credit back where it belongs so we can buy property when we find the place

take A camping

take A on vacation

take more vacations....waaaaaay more

learn more about photography

learn to sew

learn to hula hoop better than i do now

renew our vows

go on a real honeymoon

let go of the past

find a brother for jack (our dog)

believe in my big dreams

dive off a boat in the ocean

swing on a tree swing

maybe try skydiving

attempt to snowboard

spend time at a spa

be a peaceful, mellow mama

volunteer for something i really belive in

learn to judge others less

learn to judge myself less

keep journaling, and blogging, and making artsy crafty goodness

keep living an authentic life

grateful

just found out some very good news for someone else...and it made me ache for myself. sometimes i feel like i missed out on some stuff. moments like this call for a gratitude list to recenter me

grateful for :

my baby my husband my dog my sister

our garden
the fact that my husband has a job
the fact that i can be home with our son
living so close to the beach
shells and beach glass
quiet crafty moments
paint
my health my husbands health my baby's health
new clothes i got to buy yesterday
a full belly, a roof over our heads

grateful for quieter things too, like the snails on the front porch, the smell of the ocean, the bike path, the swings at the park....

dream this

today i want to be neck deep in the ocean,
undulating with the waves
seashell scrapes on my feet
i want to feel this life from another angle

there is a dream of vibrant flowers, naked babies, heat that leaves your bedsheets damp. there is a dream of a lush jungle, the colors of certain birds, lizards you find in your bath tub. cold tile under your feet, banana colored cars on the street, a deck with a view of an ocean, a window overlooking a cliff....

give me a patch of ocean dusted with babies and children running wild. give me the sweet abandon of a life lived exactly how i want it.

this big dream keeps me going when real life comes pouring in. i think one day we will be exactly where we want to be.

father

it is incredible to see a boy i fell in love with become my husband only to be followed by becoming a father to our son

seeing my husband play with and love on our baby continually overwhelms me. it overwhelms me with joy, with love, with grief for my own childhood, and with inspiration to be better and better for A

every day i think that i cannot love my husband more and everyday i fall deeper and deeper for him. men are such rare, interesting creatures: at once gentle and aggressively protective. seeing this dichotomy exist in my husband never ceases to amaze and awe me.

thank you, my love, for being our gentle, loving, awesome protector and for nurturing not just our son but me as well. you are loved always

yearning

somewhere out there is the path i chose not to walk down. a road that led elsewhere
and i am totally cool with that. there is no yearning for any other life and that is how i know i am right where i belong.
where is this path taking me? there is possibility in the unanswered questions.
today i feel like a child the night before christmas, there is excitement, anticiaption
where is the path leading us?

Today

today i am wishing for a secret gate to a secret garden, a bunch of sunflowers in a bottle of rain, a rusty watering can and a giant pumpkin

today its raining which sadly means we are stuck in the house. its june but the rain is cold and biting, no weather to take a baby out in. so we are here. the bean is laying on a stack of blankets kicking his feet in rythm to the third eye blind concert on tv. normally we don't have the tv on but today, i feel, is an exception.

days like this i wish my husband were home and we were all snuggled in bed. i can romanticize rain and cold in my head but really, i hate it. i need to be outside i need to be running around doing stuff. i need to be at the beach or in the woods on a daily basis and there is none of that today.

so here we are, on the floor, camping out.
\
at least with rain there will be snails....lots of them :)

a summer list

every year around this time i start making all these big plans for my summer.
plans which inevitably fall through and leave me disappointed. i am a lover of
long life lists, to do lists, goals lists and am two years into my 101 things in
a 1001 days list. i get a thrill at crossing things off these lists. since we
are on the cusp of summer i am making a summer to do list but i am keeping my
goals small. i am reminded that joy lives in the small things and with that
spirit, i am making an attainable to do list

summer 2010

* finish postcard sets

* get some artwork on line

* get shop up and running

* take plenty of photographs

* shop at the farmers market

* get myself, my husband and my son in a photobooth (extra credit if we get the dog in there too)

*take A camping

* ride a ferris wheel

* swim in the ocean

* make prints of my fave photos

* go to a festival

*go to a flea market

* save $3000.00

* find a new hiking trail

* sew something

this seems like a nice start....

A and I met this guy on our walk last week. he was totally cool, just creeping along, let me take a zillion pictures of him and then moved on his way.

you can't see them in this picture but there were a few baby swans in the lake with these guys. i was totally awed to see such a sight as we walked along the bike path. i didnt' want to get too close since they had their babies with them (and mine with me) so the picture is blurry thanks to the zoom.

the bike path here is incredible. we see countless turtles, swans, rabbits and on friday a deer crossd the path right in front of us. i did get a little mama bear-ish because i have NEVER been that close to a deer without being in a car. i felt bad after, that i couldn't enjoy the moment because i got scared. i kept thinking what if that deer couldn't get over the fence and came charging at us with A in his stroller? I hardly ever use the stroller too, he's usually in the moby and the one day i don't have him close to me is the day a deer comes charging! but thankfully he didn't, he gracefully lept up and over the fance. incredible.

i have been very mama bear-ish with A lately. i want to believe the world is awesome and safe and that A and I can go places and not have to worry. but i do worry. i worry all the time. in the woods i worry that an animal or a scary person is behind us and i keep looking over my shoulder. on the road i worry that another car is going to hit us. two of my close friends both had their cars totaled in the last month to no fault of their owns. that really scares me. i never worried about car accidents before i put my son in his car seat for the first time. i worry my home is going to get broken into or burn down. in my head i am always planning escape routes.

i know this fear is not without justification given my friends car accidents, a scary person in the woods today, the fact that that deer very well could have trampled over the stroller, the fact that growing up there was alot of escape route planning....so many things to worry about. i know A is safe with me and with my husband. i know he won't have to deal with so much of what i went through growing up. but the rest of the world, outside of our home scares the life out of me.

how can i be more like those swans? just peaceful and graceful floating around with their babies between them? how can i let go of my anxiety? should i let go of it? or does it help keep us safe? as a mother, does the worry ever stop?

garden snails

snails after the rain

there has been
rain
and toes in the sand
and walks through forrests
and lightening
and yoga in the kitchen
and piles of books
and whispered conversations
and an overwhelming garden
and recipe ideas
and inspirations
and roadside swans
and lifeless stingrays
and parties and people
and library ladies
and hula hooping
and deep thinking
and soul searching
and a laundry pile up
and a slowmoving turtle
and a rose garden
and there have been snails....
lots of them