Monday, June 7, 2010

A and I met this guy on our walk last week. he was totally cool, just creeping along, let me take a zillion pictures of him and then moved on his way.

you can't see them in this picture but there were a few baby swans in the lake with these guys. i was totally awed to see such a sight as we walked along the bike path. i didnt' want to get too close since they had their babies with them (and mine with me) so the picture is blurry thanks to the zoom.
the bike path here is incredible. we see countless turtles, swans, rabbits and on friday a deer crossd the path right in front of us. i did get a little mama bear-ish because i have NEVER been that close to a deer without being in a car. i felt bad after, that i couldn't enjoy the moment because i got scared. i kept thinking what if that deer couldn't get over the fence and came charging at us with A in his stroller? I hardly ever use the stroller too, he's usually in the moby and the one day i don't have him close to me is the day a deer comes charging! but thankfully he didn't, he gracefully lept up and over the fance. incredible.
i have been very mama bear-ish with A lately. i want to believe the world is awesome and safe and that A and I can go places and not have to worry. but i do worry. i worry all the time. in the woods i worry that an animal or a scary person is behind us and i keep looking over my shoulder. on the road i worry that another car is going to hit us. two of my close friends both had their cars totaled in the last month to no fault of their owns. that really scares me. i never worried about car accidents before i put my son in his car seat for the first time. i worry my home is going to get broken into or burn down. in my head i am always planning escape routes.
i know this fear is not without justification given my friends car accidents, a scary person in the woods today, the fact that that deer very well could have trampled over the stroller, the fact that growing up there was alot of escape route many things to worry about. i know A is safe with me and with my husband. i know he won't have to deal with so much of what i went through growing up. but the rest of the world, outside of our home scares the life out of me.
how can i be more like those swans? just peaceful and graceful floating around with their babies between them? how can i let go of my anxiety? should i let go of it? or does it help keep us safe? as a mother, does the worry ever stop?

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