Monday, August 30, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
more deep talking about what we want for our future. this is the first time in my life that i view the future as something that will transpire and not something farfetched and out of reach. now that i am getting older and now that i am a mother i view time in a whole new way. i feel like i can more accurately plan the next decade vs just waiting and seeing and living life. now that we have a child life is not something we just wait and see about. this is all becoming very clear.
even just five years ago my life felt like a vast wide open canvas that someone else was going to fill in. i was totally fine with taking days as they came and making a party out of any situation.
now though i think about things like who would take care of A if we weren't around? how will we take care of A if S loses his job again? when its time for me to go back to work will i be happy doing what i was doing or do i need the change? questions like this need answers. there is no more "whatever happens happens" and so the answer to our big question is yes. yes my husband will have a vasectomy, yes A will be our only baby, an only child. my husband put it best when he said he knows we can take care of our family where it is now. if we add more children, we don't know if we can. and a baby doesn't deserve not knowing. a baby deserves to be safe and cared for. a baby does not deserve to be uprooted at 2 months old and crash landed in a new place.
so life, i am taking the reins and i am calling some shots.
its effing scary but i know i need to do it.
even just five years ago my life felt like a vast wide open canvas that someone else was going to fill in. i was totally fine with taking days as they came and making a party out of any situation.
now though i think about things like who would take care of A if we weren't around? how will we take care of A if S loses his job again? when its time for me to go back to work will i be happy doing what i was doing or do i need the change? questions like this need answers. there is no more "whatever happens happens" and so the answer to our big question is yes. yes my husband will have a vasectomy, yes A will be our only baby, an only child. my husband put it best when he said he knows we can take care of our family where it is now. if we add more children, we don't know if we can. and a baby doesn't deserve not knowing. a baby deserves to be safe and cared for. a baby does not deserve to be uprooted at 2 months old and crash landed in a new place.
so life, i am taking the reins and i am calling some shots.
its effing scary but i know i need to do it.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
teething is a theif of our nights
my dear,
i love you always
always now
and forever
even when
the dragon comes
with his sharp teeth
and his biting tongue
my dear
i love you always
always now
always forever
even when
the monster comes
with those sharp teeth
and that biting tongue
for right now
you are the prince
of sharks
of a bed of needles
of a torch in the dark
for right now you
are the prince of pain
the prince of cut glass
the prince of rain
and still i say
i love you dear
it will be over soon
the end is near
i love you always
always now
and forever
even when
the dragon comes
with his sharp teeth
and his biting tongue
my dear
i love you always
always now
always forever
even when
the monster comes
with those sharp teeth
and that biting tongue
for right now
you are the prince
of sharks
of a bed of needles
of a torch in the dark
for right now you
are the prince of pain
the prince of cut glass
the prince of rain
and still i say
i love you dear
it will be over soon
the end is near
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
ode to the best kind of friend
sometimes there are nights like last night where every little thing is excruciatingly annoying, where the baby won't go to sleep, where the neighbors are stomping a drum beat out overhead
and sometimes there are nights where i wrap my legs around him in the pool, the wine makes my head shine, the sky is a bowl of stars, and life feels livable again
its moments like this that i know life is only as vivid as you want to make it
so give me more of this please.
give me the aftermath of naked swim parties, heavy gold earrings i forget to take off. give me eyes rimmed in the blackest black and her curly hair gel that smells like summer. give me a bottle of any white wine and a shot of vodka. give me louder laughter over chinese cocktails, gold sandals wrapped around my feet. give me the sky in the middle of the night in the middle of the mountains. give me motel rooms and liquor cabinets. when did we become not so young anymore?
i remember you and me living life so vibrantly. twelve years old the day you arrived. all of a sudden 15 taking sexy pictures playing dress up 17 and we're leaving for college 19 and we're making out with everyone 21 you and me tearing it up on the floor in the club 23 and we're so sexy wearing our cute outfits to bars and clubs 25 and i'm married you're in love and we're flying 26 and how'd we get here?
mirror image girls one in silver one in gold. at least i always had your hand to hold. and the conversations we have now.....
yesterday we were twelve years old. i was borrowing your dresses you were sleeping at my house. last night we were 26 years old. now where does the time go?
and sometimes there are nights where i wrap my legs around him in the pool, the wine makes my head shine, the sky is a bowl of stars, and life feels livable again
its moments like this that i know life is only as vivid as you want to make it
so give me more of this please.
give me the aftermath of naked swim parties, heavy gold earrings i forget to take off. give me eyes rimmed in the blackest black and her curly hair gel that smells like summer. give me a bottle of any white wine and a shot of vodka. give me louder laughter over chinese cocktails, gold sandals wrapped around my feet. give me the sky in the middle of the night in the middle of the mountains. give me motel rooms and liquor cabinets. when did we become not so young anymore?
i remember you and me living life so vibrantly. twelve years old the day you arrived. all of a sudden 15 taking sexy pictures playing dress up 17 and we're leaving for college 19 and we're making out with everyone 21 you and me tearing it up on the floor in the club 23 and we're so sexy wearing our cute outfits to bars and clubs 25 and i'm married you're in love and we're flying 26 and how'd we get here?
mirror image girls one in silver one in gold. at least i always had your hand to hold. and the conversations we have now.....
yesterday we were twelve years old. i was borrowing your dresses you were sleeping at my house. last night we were 26 years old. now where does the time go?
Monday, August 2, 2010
girls weekend
this past weekend was spent with my two oldest girlfriends on a suppossed -to -be camping trip. we ended up not finding a spot friday night and staying in a motel. we woke up in the gorgeous white mountains and spent the day shopping, drinking wine, taking pictures, looking at art, driving through the mountains, swimming in rivers, checking out waterfalls, walking through forests....it was magic
saturday we found a spot and got to camp (hooray!). the bear alert was a little nervewracking but we had such an awesome night snuggled around the campfire.
the magic of the mountains gets me every time. i am truly excited to get to go again at the end of august with my husband and our son.
the excitement is bubbling inside me!
Monday, July 26, 2010
i am striving to be more peaceful with myself, and with others. i come from a long line of angry people who let their anger turn into violence. i don't want that sad story for myself. growing up i didn't want to be that kind of person and i turned alot of anger against myself. it wasn't until i was older that i learned it is ok to let anger out when it is deserved, that i didn't need to hurt myself to spare someone else. in the last few years life took some unexpected turns. my husband and i have recently come out of a very dark time. during this time, anger got the best of me. anger turned me into a person i didn't recognize....and then i did recognize her. i started to see flashes of angry people i never wanted to become. and in recognizing this i am striving for a change.
francesca lia block wrote it best: "you become what you come from. unless you refuse"
this line resonates with me on a daily basis. i will never become a violent, angry person. acknowledging that the anger exists and finding a better way to deal with it is what will have to set me apart. i don't like anger. i don't like feeling it in my body. but to say i will never get angry is self defeating. it will happen. how it is dealt with when it does is where the difference will come in.
because of my background in behavior analysis i think about ways to prevent along with ways to cope. i think focusing on the positive, taking people at face value, looking at the cup half full, are ways to prevent anger from turning messy. if you are negative all the time, then when anger occurs it is ugly and overwhelming. if you are a positive person, then when anger occurs it is a release and then a recovery and then you move on.
i aim to be a peaceful parent, a peaceful person. i know i will never turn into the people i came from but that fear is there and because of it, i never learned how to deal with feelings of anger appropriately. i do not want to hurt myself in anger ever again and i know i am far away from that. i also do not want to hurt anyone else with anger, via words or physical hurt. i am just learning now that anger is safe to express when expressed appropriately
it has taken me a long time to get comfortable with the fact that i can get angry and not turn into a monster. i do not want to avoid feelings or deal with feelings by hurting myself. i am learning everyday how to be the kind of person i want to be. and so far, i like the person i am.
francesca lia block wrote it best: "you become what you come from. unless you refuse"
this line resonates with me on a daily basis. i will never become a violent, angry person. acknowledging that the anger exists and finding a better way to deal with it is what will have to set me apart. i don't like anger. i don't like feeling it in my body. but to say i will never get angry is self defeating. it will happen. how it is dealt with when it does is where the difference will come in.
because of my background in behavior analysis i think about ways to prevent along with ways to cope. i think focusing on the positive, taking people at face value, looking at the cup half full, are ways to prevent anger from turning messy. if you are negative all the time, then when anger occurs it is ugly and overwhelming. if you are a positive person, then when anger occurs it is a release and then a recovery and then you move on.
i aim to be a peaceful parent, a peaceful person. i know i will never turn into the people i came from but that fear is there and because of it, i never learned how to deal with feelings of anger appropriately. i do not want to hurt myself in anger ever again and i know i am far away from that. i also do not want to hurt anyone else with anger, via words or physical hurt. i am just learning now that anger is safe to express when expressed appropriately
it has taken me a long time to get comfortable with the fact that i can get angry and not turn into a monster. i do not want to avoid feelings or deal with feelings by hurting myself. i am learning everyday how to be the kind of person i want to be. and so far, i like the person i am.
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