happy

today was the first day in quite a few that the anxiety was lifted. good news yesterday and oiur life is slowly coming back together.... who could ask for more?
i have noticed that after times of intense anxiety in my life, my other senses become heightened when the anxiety dissipates.
today i caught myself marveling at the colors of a red leaf, enjoying the fall breeze on my skin, stopping eating once i realized i was full, driving home excited to see my husband, to hug and kiss him...
i am reminded that there is always a balance to life. when something goes up something else comes down. there is also purpose to the trials we go through. sometimes it takes me only a moment to see the purpose and sometimes it takes years for the true purpose to materialize.
i am thankful today that my life is full of riches....the love of a husband, the miracle of a son, the families i know and love, the friends i know and love, the world around me....there is always happiness

the past few weeks have been difficult. my husband was laid off again and we are simmering in the aftermath. i am not willing to let our life fall apart over this again. i know we are much smarter going into this than the last time around but i am fearful none the less.
i am back to work part time, and my hubby is back to being a stay at home dad. this is not what we want and it just plain sucks but that's what we have to do right now. i am lucky i only have to work part time and i am lucky we had enough time to get on the right track before he was let go again. i know he will get called back eventually. the first time this happend 6 years ago he was out 6 months. then it happened in 2007 and he was out for over two years.
all i can do is learn from our mistakes, try not to make new ones and move along as best i can.
but these times are trying and i feel weaker with every step....

oh sweet you bring me to my knees with your soft honest words and your outwright bravery

more deep talking about what we want for our future. this is the first time in my life that i view the future as something that will transpire and not something farfetched and out of reach. now that i am getting older and now that i am a mother i view time in a whole new way. i feel like i can more accurately plan the next decade vs just waiting and seeing and living life. now that we have a child life is not something we just wait and see about. this is all becoming very clear.
even just five years ago my life felt like a vast wide open canvas that someone else was going to fill in. i was totally fine with taking days as they came and making a party out of any situation.
now though i think about things like who would take care of A if we weren't around? how will we take care of A if S loses his job again? when its time for me to go back to work will i be happy doing what i was doing or do i need the change? questions like this need answers. there is no more "whatever happens happens" and so the answer to our big question is yes. yes my husband will have a vasectomy, yes A will be our only baby, an only child. my husband put it best when he said he knows we can take care of our family where it is now. if we add more children, we don't know if we can. and a baby doesn't deserve not knowing. a baby deserves to be safe and cared for. a baby does not deserve to be uprooted at 2 months old and crash landed in a new place.
so life, i am taking the reins and i am calling some shots.
its effing scary but i know i need to do it.

teething is a theif of our nights

my dear,
i love you always
always now
and forever
even when
the dragon comes
with his sharp teeth
and his biting tongue
my dear
i love you always
always now
always forever
even when
the monster comes
with those sharp teeth
and that biting tongue

for right now
you are the prince
of sharks
of a bed of needles
of a torch in the dark
for right now you
are the prince of pain
the prince of cut glass
the prince of rain

and still i say
i love you dear
it will be over soon
the end is near

ode to the best kind of friend

sometimes there are nights like last night where every little thing is excruciatingly annoying, where the baby won't go to sleep, where the neighbors are stomping a drum beat out overhead
and sometimes there are nights where i wrap my legs around him in the pool, the wine makes my head shine, the sky is a bowl of stars, and life feels livable again
its moments like this that i know life is only as vivid as you want to make it

so give me more of this please.
give me the aftermath of naked swim parties, heavy gold earrings i forget to take off. give me eyes rimmed in the blackest black and her curly hair gel that smells like summer. give me a bottle of any white wine and a shot of vodka. give me louder laughter over chinese cocktails, gold sandals wrapped around my feet. give me the sky in the middle of the night in the middle of the mountains. give me motel rooms and liquor cabinets. when did we become not so young anymore?

i remember you and me living life so vibrantly. twelve years old the day you arrived. all of a sudden 15 taking sexy pictures playing dress up 17 and we're leaving for college 19 and we're making out with everyone 21 you and me tearing it up on the floor in the club 23 and we're so sexy wearing our cute outfits to bars and clubs 25 and i'm married you're in love and we're flying 26 and how'd we get here?

mirror image girls one in silver one in gold. at least i always had your hand to hold. and the conversations we have now.....

yesterday we were twelve years old. i was borrowing your dresses you were sleeping at my house. last night we were 26 years old. now where does the time go?

girls weekend

this past weekend was spent with my two oldest girlfriends on a suppossed -to -be camping trip. we ended up not finding a spot friday night and staying in a motel. we woke up in the gorgeous white mountains and spent the day shopping, drinking wine, taking pictures, looking at art, driving through the mountains, swimming in rivers, checking out waterfalls, walking through forests....

it was magic

saturday we found a spot and got to camp (hooray!). the bear alert was a little nervewracking but we had such an awesome night snuggled around the campfire.

the magic of the mountains gets me every time. i am truly excited to get to go again at the end of august with my husband and our son.

the excitement is bubbling inside me!